Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Fairy Poem For My Daughter
Down at the bottom of my garden stands a beautiful tree,
If you look carefully with your eyes slighly shut, you will see a blue light,
The blue you see is the tree fairy,
this is her home and she protects and tends all of the garden,
Some people love faries because they are magical, I love them because they are free,
Imagine being able to fly along side the butterfly and witness her beauty up close,
To listen to the symphany of the wonderful music the insects play,
While we sleep at 4 in the morning she conducts the dawn chorus,
When she is happy the sun shines and the flowers grow,
And on your birthday if you leave her a gift who knows maybe she will grant your greedy wish!
If you look carefully with your eyes slighly shut, you will see a blue light,
The blue you see is the tree fairy,
this is her home and she protects and tends all of the garden,
Some people love faries because they are magical, I love them because they are free,
Imagine being able to fly along side the butterfly and witness her beauty up close,
To listen to the symphany of the wonderful music the insects play,
While we sleep at 4 in the morning she conducts the dawn chorus,
When she is happy the sun shines and the flowers grow,
And on your birthday if you leave her a gift who knows maybe she will grant your greedy wish!
Red Wine Poem
Ten thousand grapes harvested, crushed and fermented,
Alcohol percentage zero,
Slowly over 2 weeks sugars begin to emerge then in pop the yeast to gorge,
As they consume molecules of alcohol start to emerge,
Alcohol percentage five,
At this point the yeast really comes alive,
A feast of sugars, an ygro of sweetness, to produce bubbles of consumption,
Alcohol precentage 10,
Out of the vat and into the oak barrels the red liquid is poured,
Down to the cellar under an umbrella of darkness,
There it waits for 20 years, good wine takes ages unlike beers,
Alcohol percentage 13,
Along comes a frog and gives it a whiff,
Just one little sniff from our experts nose, fills his nostrals with an aroma better than any rose,
Out of the barrel into the bottle, the yeast are gone red gold remains,
Alcohol percantge 14,
The bottle with thousands of relatives emigrates over seas,
Lands on the coast of mighty Blighty,
Out of the lorry and into a shop,
Alcohol percentage 14.5,
From the moment of its inception it has waited for me,
Twenty long years in a basement over the sea,
Along I come and pay Seven Pounds Fifty and in less than 20 minutes its inside me,
Alcohol units 10,
Once inside it goes to my liver, its so excited it starts to shiver,
Pounded and processed and sent to my brain, the beautiful alcohol keeps me sane,
Down to the kidneys all used and drawn, out through my bladder and onto the lawn
Alcohol units zero,
And so it returns to the earth from whence it came,
A peice of art 20 years in the making, torn apart in 20 minutes of thirsty undertaking
Alcohol percentage zero,
Slowly over 2 weeks sugars begin to emerge then in pop the yeast to gorge,
As they consume molecules of alcohol start to emerge,
Alcohol percentage five,
At this point the yeast really comes alive,
A feast of sugars, an ygro of sweetness, to produce bubbles of consumption,
Alcohol precentage 10,
Out of the vat and into the oak barrels the red liquid is poured,
Down to the cellar under an umbrella of darkness,
There it waits for 20 years, good wine takes ages unlike beers,
Alcohol percentage 13,
Along comes a frog and gives it a whiff,
Just one little sniff from our experts nose, fills his nostrals with an aroma better than any rose,
Out of the barrel into the bottle, the yeast are gone red gold remains,
Alcohol percantge 14,
The bottle with thousands of relatives emigrates over seas,
Lands on the coast of mighty Blighty,
Out of the lorry and into a shop,
Alcohol percentage 14.5,
From the moment of its inception it has waited for me,
Twenty long years in a basement over the sea,
Along I come and pay Seven Pounds Fifty and in less than 20 minutes its inside me,
Alcohol units 10,
Once inside it goes to my liver, its so excited it starts to shiver,
Pounded and processed and sent to my brain, the beautiful alcohol keeps me sane,
Down to the kidneys all used and drawn, out through my bladder and onto the lawn
Alcohol units zero,
And so it returns to the earth from whence it came,
A peice of art 20 years in the making, torn apart in 20 minutes of thirsty undertaking
Harry Potter and the quest for the Stone Of Destiny
Preface
“Happy 18th Birthday Harry!” cried Ron and Hermione, as they came barging through Harry’s door with excitement. They had conjured Harry up the biggest birthday cake he had ever seen.
As he cut into the magical cake with a knife it began to fizz and pop and beautiful colours shone out from it, casting amazing patterns on the walls and ceiling. Harry was truly surprised but then with a whooshing sound the cake suddenly shrunk to a small forkful. How they all laughed…
During their hilarity they heard a knock at the door. “Who could that be!!” cried Harry still chewing on his magic cake, delicious if only a forkful. He rushed to the door full of wonder at who this mystery guest could be.
There lying on the door mat was just a card in a plain white envelope with Harry’s name on it. Even though Harry could see quite far down the street from his door he could see no evidence of anyone… This card had been delivered by an owl!
“Who is it from?” his friends cried, Harry opened it slowly, he always liked to be careful so as not to tear the paper, you never knew what else you might be tearing.
“A birthday card from Hagrid!!!”, Harry gasped “Wow a birthday card from Hagrid!!! And he has been dead 2 years!!!!”.
“Read it Harry!!” Ron shouted in unison with Hermione.
“Dear Harry, Happy 18th birthday as you may or may not know your old friend Hagrid in fact hails from the bonny land of Scotland. In my previous life before becoming a wizard I worked there as a mind profiler, helping to catch criminals and the like….”, Harry took a deep breath it was hard work reading in the deep voice of Hagrid but it made it sound so much better.
“Anyway in my spare time I used to go on quests and missions, much like yourself, I to was once a young man. However there was one quest which I never completed and that was the search for the stone of destiny. This was fabled to be the stone where the ancient Kings of Scotland were crowned since time immemorial. Well my lad it is my dream that the stone of destiny be found and Scotland can once again stand on its own 2 feet as a nation.”, Harry’s eyes filled with tears remembering his old wizard friend as he read but he carried on.
“This journey will be fraught with danger but should you find the stone then you will fulfil my life’s mission. You may not think this a worthy gift for your 18th but Scotland’s freedom will be all the present you need. Go forth Harry and take your friends on this quest, find the stone Harry… Your Loving Friend Hagrid”.. Harry slumped in his chair exhausted with emotion but so pleased that Hagrid had contacted him from wherever it was that wizards went in their after life.
And so the next day Harry, Ron and Hyminey set off for the bonny land of Scotland!
Getting lost in Glasgow
“How can 3 Hogwart graduates get so lost!” complained Ron.
“I have no idea our magic doesn’t seem to work so well in Scotland, maybe its he laylines, I don’t know”.
As they were discussing this they saw a ugly looking man in an ill fitting suit stagger into a giant red brick building, it looked as dilapidated as the cellars of Hogwarts.
Spud staggered through the doors of what the locals referred to as the anal beard pub. The ceiling so filthy with decades of drinking and smoking even looked like tag nuts.
“Where thae fuck have yis been ya cunt!!”, Terry the juice shouted across the bar, managing to stir some of the booze drenched jakey’s from their alcohol induced coma.
“Am sorry likesay Terry, I I I was trying to score off this cat but he did nae have the produce we was after, so I ended up going into this club…”
“Never mind with the fiction Spud, did yae get the stuff or no?”
“Aye Terry I did!” Spud said with a smile as he handed Terry a bag of Colombia’s finest and a 10 pound note.
“Is that all my change Spud!! I gave yis 200 punds yas bastard, youse better not be rippin me off pal!”
“N n n no, I wudnae dae that to a mate, this is the good shit, wait til you have a taste!”
Terry was already filling his fake nasal sniffing bottle with the powder, it even had a Vicks label on it to fool the idiots and onlookers. Terry took a great big snort “Whoa yah fuckin no kiddin man, this is some serious shit! Good thing I had a winner on the GG’s Spud coz we’re gonna have some night oot!!!”.
Across the bar Terry saw the barmaid scowling at him, he had been trying to get in her knickers all week, but she was having none of it.
“Dirty little prick tease thinks shes a lesbian or sommat turning doon the juice, but am gone tae fuckin cure her tonight, she will ne’er gan back to being veggy once she’s had some of my meat, eh Spud!!!”
“Aye…” said Spud not really listening as he belted back his share of the bounty.
“The Wizards Beard Tavern” said Harry “I bet we will find a local wizard in there who can help us!!” he shouted as he rushed across the road and in through the swing doors, his 2 companions close behind.
Spud burst out laughing, absolutely hysterical, tears rolling down his face, Terry hadn’t seen him laugh this much since they stole that bottle of liquid ecstasy from Renton.
“Fuckin good shit this Spud eh!” Terry boomed smashing his pint glass into Spuds “Cheers!”.
“Aye tis Tezza, but I’m thinking its got some acid in it coz I’m hallucinating like fuck, I can see Harry Potter and his 2 pals over there…” Spud burst out laughing again.
Terry could not believe his eyes this Columbian was playing tricks on his mind because he could see Spuds hallucination too.
Harry made his way tentatively towards the 2 men he saw sat at a table, they were laughing so he presumed they must be friendly.
“Hello Sirs, my name is Harry…”
Terry and Spud just began laughing even harder. “His name is only Harry as well…” Terry roared with laughter.
“Is it okay if we join you for a drink? Today is my 18th birthday and besides I have some questions to ask you”. Harry felt in his heart these people could help them with the quest.
With utter coldness Terry stopped laughing instantly a stared Harry in the face “If you get the roond in pal yae can sit with us, hey doll” Terry nodded at Hermione “why don’t you come sit on I mean next to Terry while yis mates get the bevies in”.
As Harry and Ron approached the bar they could hear Terry asking for Hermione’s name… “Ah Hyman what a lovely name…”
When Harry and Ron returned with the drinks Hermione was looking pretty uncomfortable, but looking at the seating Harry was not surprised.
“Ah good man Harry” Terry boomed necking half his pint in one go, then snorting from some nasal bottle “How can I be of service?”
“Well kind sir, we are on a quest to find the stone of destiny, only we have become lost… My good friend Hagrid has sent us only we need a wise mage to guide us as we cannot do this on our own”.
“Say no more Pal, you are talking tae the wisest mage that ever set fuckin foot on the Earth, and I was an acquaintance of that poof Hagrid…”
“I think poof must be the Scottish word for wizard” whispered Ron into Hermione’s ear.
“And what’s more I know a man who knows where the stone of destiny is!!! So I can help you on your quest but first you have to do me a few favours!”
Spud was still laughing uncontrollably unable to believe that this drug fuelled hallucination could feel so real.
“You know of Hagrid? And you know a man who knows where the stone is!!! What super news! How do you know Hagrid?”
“Well you speccy eyed cunt…”
“Speccy eyed is Socttish for brown eyes” whispered Ron.
“That fat poof Hagrid and his poofter mate Dumbledore were the filth roond here, only they was straight even though they was bent if you catch my drift”
Harry looked on confused but listening intently so see if he could extract any words of English from this big hairy sweaty man. Ron seemed to be understanding so Harry turned his attention to Ron’s whispers.
“He is saying they were wizards who performed upright magic, not bent to over like witches”
“Anyways they was always on my case, wanted for vice and the like, pah thay didnae nae the half of it stupid poofter twats”
“They we his friends but they didn’t understand his form of magic” Ron whispered.
“Shut up yis ginger twat afore a gie ya a begby special”
“I think he wants me to be quiet” whispered Ron.
Terry refilled his bottle spilling powder onto Hermione’s lap, which he quickly bent down and hovered up, much to Hermione’s surprise and horror. “Anyways sorry about that doll, drink some of ya drink it’ll make ya feel better” Terry winked.
Hermione sipped politely from her lemonade which had magically turned purple.
“Mmmm delicious” cried Hermione.
“She’s a secrete lemonade drinker” Terry screamed as he and Spud burst into yet more fits of laughter.
“Reet enogh of this shite, heres the plan… We need to split into 2 groups.. Spud here is going to take you to the great library and help you to research about this stone, and me and the doll here will go see mah mate Hector to discuss how we are going to find it…”
“I don’t think that’s a good ide…” said Ron before he was interrupted by Terry.
“I told ya ya daft wee cunt TAE SHUT THE FUCK UP ORS IM GANNAE GLASS YAS” Terry boomed snorting more of the powder then passing the bottle to Spud.
“It’s ok Ron, I have a feeling we can trust Terry” Hermione said “He doesn’t mean to shout it is just the way the Scottish communicate, remember what Hagrid told us”.
“Aye Hyman youse can trust in me doll, the juice is the truth and besides if you want to find this stone you gotta follow my plan!”
Preface
“Happy 18th Birthday Harry!” cried Ron and Hermione, as they came barging through Harry’s door with excitement. They had conjured Harry up the biggest birthday cake he had ever seen.
As he cut into the magical cake with a knife it began to fizz and pop and beautiful colours shone out from it, casting amazing patterns on the walls and ceiling. Harry was truly surprised but then with a whooshing sound the cake suddenly shrunk to a small forkful. How they all laughed…
During their hilarity they heard a knock at the door. “Who could that be!!” cried Harry still chewing on his magic cake, delicious if only a forkful. He rushed to the door full of wonder at who this mystery guest could be.
There lying on the door mat was just a card in a plain white envelope with Harry’s name on it. Even though Harry could see quite far down the street from his door he could see no evidence of anyone… This card had been delivered by an owl!
“Who is it from?” his friends cried, Harry opened it slowly, he always liked to be careful so as not to tear the paper, you never knew what else you might be tearing.
“A birthday card from Hagrid!!!”, Harry gasped “Wow a birthday card from Hagrid!!! And he has been dead 2 years!!!!”.
“Read it Harry!!” Ron shouted in unison with Hermione.
“Dear Harry, Happy 18th birthday as you may or may not know your old friend Hagrid in fact hails from the bonny land of Scotland. In my previous life before becoming a wizard I worked there as a mind profiler, helping to catch criminals and the like….”, Harry took a deep breath it was hard work reading in the deep voice of Hagrid but it made it sound so much better.
“Anyway in my spare time I used to go on quests and missions, much like yourself, I to was once a young man. However there was one quest which I never completed and that was the search for the stone of destiny. This was fabled to be the stone where the ancient Kings of Scotland were crowned since time immemorial. Well my lad it is my dream that the stone of destiny be found and Scotland can once again stand on its own 2 feet as a nation.”, Harry’s eyes filled with tears remembering his old wizard friend as he read but he carried on.
“This journey will be fraught with danger but should you find the stone then you will fulfil my life’s mission. You may not think this a worthy gift for your 18th but Scotland’s freedom will be all the present you need. Go forth Harry and take your friends on this quest, find the stone Harry… Your Loving Friend Hagrid”.. Harry slumped in his chair exhausted with emotion but so pleased that Hagrid had contacted him from wherever it was that wizards went in their after life.
And so the next day Harry, Ron and Hyminey set off for the bonny land of Scotland!
Getting lost in Glasgow
“How can 3 Hogwart graduates get so lost!” complained Ron.
“I have no idea our magic doesn’t seem to work so well in Scotland, maybe its he laylines, I don’t know”.
As they were discussing this they saw a ugly looking man in an ill fitting suit stagger into a giant red brick building, it looked as dilapidated as the cellars of Hogwarts.
Spud staggered through the doors of what the locals referred to as the anal beard pub. The ceiling so filthy with decades of drinking and smoking even looked like tag nuts.
“Where thae fuck have yis been ya cunt!!”, Terry the juice shouted across the bar, managing to stir some of the booze drenched jakey’s from their alcohol induced coma.
“Am sorry likesay Terry, I I I was trying to score off this cat but he did nae have the produce we was after, so I ended up going into this club…”
“Never mind with the fiction Spud, did yae get the stuff or no?”
“Aye Terry I did!” Spud said with a smile as he handed Terry a bag of Colombia’s finest and a 10 pound note.
“Is that all my change Spud!! I gave yis 200 punds yas bastard, youse better not be rippin me off pal!”
“N n n no, I wudnae dae that to a mate, this is the good shit, wait til you have a taste!”
Terry was already filling his fake nasal sniffing bottle with the powder, it even had a Vicks label on it to fool the idiots and onlookers. Terry took a great big snort “Whoa yah fuckin no kiddin man, this is some serious shit! Good thing I had a winner on the GG’s Spud coz we’re gonna have some night oot!!!”.
Across the bar Terry saw the barmaid scowling at him, he had been trying to get in her knickers all week, but she was having none of it.
“Dirty little prick tease thinks shes a lesbian or sommat turning doon the juice, but am gone tae fuckin cure her tonight, she will ne’er gan back to being veggy once she’s had some of my meat, eh Spud!!!”
“Aye…” said Spud not really listening as he belted back his share of the bounty.
“The Wizards Beard Tavern” said Harry “I bet we will find a local wizard in there who can help us!!” he shouted as he rushed across the road and in through the swing doors, his 2 companions close behind.
Spud burst out laughing, absolutely hysterical, tears rolling down his face, Terry hadn’t seen him laugh this much since they stole that bottle of liquid ecstasy from Renton.
“Fuckin good shit this Spud eh!” Terry boomed smashing his pint glass into Spuds “Cheers!”.
“Aye tis Tezza, but I’m thinking its got some acid in it coz I’m hallucinating like fuck, I can see Harry Potter and his 2 pals over there…” Spud burst out laughing again.
Terry could not believe his eyes this Columbian was playing tricks on his mind because he could see Spuds hallucination too.
Harry made his way tentatively towards the 2 men he saw sat at a table, they were laughing so he presumed they must be friendly.
“Hello Sirs, my name is Harry…”
Terry and Spud just began laughing even harder. “His name is only Harry as well…” Terry roared with laughter.
“Is it okay if we join you for a drink? Today is my 18th birthday and besides I have some questions to ask you”. Harry felt in his heart these people could help them with the quest.
With utter coldness Terry stopped laughing instantly a stared Harry in the face “If you get the roond in pal yae can sit with us, hey doll” Terry nodded at Hermione “why don’t you come sit on I mean next to Terry while yis mates get the bevies in”.
As Harry and Ron approached the bar they could hear Terry asking for Hermione’s name… “Ah Hyman what a lovely name…”
When Harry and Ron returned with the drinks Hermione was looking pretty uncomfortable, but looking at the seating Harry was not surprised.
“Ah good man Harry” Terry boomed necking half his pint in one go, then snorting from some nasal bottle “How can I be of service?”
“Well kind sir, we are on a quest to find the stone of destiny, only we have become lost… My good friend Hagrid has sent us only we need a wise mage to guide us as we cannot do this on our own”.
“Say no more Pal, you are talking tae the wisest mage that ever set fuckin foot on the Earth, and I was an acquaintance of that poof Hagrid…”
“I think poof must be the Scottish word for wizard” whispered Ron into Hermione’s ear.
“And what’s more I know a man who knows where the stone of destiny is!!! So I can help you on your quest but first you have to do me a few favours!”
Spud was still laughing uncontrollably unable to believe that this drug fuelled hallucination could feel so real.
“You know of Hagrid? And you know a man who knows where the stone is!!! What super news! How do you know Hagrid?”
“Well you speccy eyed cunt…”
“Speccy eyed is Socttish for brown eyes” whispered Ron.
“That fat poof Hagrid and his poofter mate Dumbledore were the filth roond here, only they was straight even though they was bent if you catch my drift”
Harry looked on confused but listening intently so see if he could extract any words of English from this big hairy sweaty man. Ron seemed to be understanding so Harry turned his attention to Ron’s whispers.
“He is saying they were wizards who performed upright magic, not bent to over like witches”
“Anyways they was always on my case, wanted for vice and the like, pah thay didnae nae the half of it stupid poofter twats”
“They we his friends but they didn’t understand his form of magic” Ron whispered.
“Shut up yis ginger twat afore a gie ya a begby special”
“I think he wants me to be quiet” whispered Ron.
Terry refilled his bottle spilling powder onto Hermione’s lap, which he quickly bent down and hovered up, much to Hermione’s surprise and horror. “Anyways sorry about that doll, drink some of ya drink it’ll make ya feel better” Terry winked.
Hermione sipped politely from her lemonade which had magically turned purple.
“Mmmm delicious” cried Hermione.
“She’s a secrete lemonade drinker” Terry screamed as he and Spud burst into yet more fits of laughter.
“Reet enogh of this shite, heres the plan… We need to split into 2 groups.. Spud here is going to take you to the great library and help you to research about this stone, and me and the doll here will go see mah mate Hector to discuss how we are going to find it…”
“I don’t think that’s a good ide…” said Ron before he was interrupted by Terry.
“I told ya ya daft wee cunt TAE SHUT THE FUCK UP ORS IM GANNAE GLASS YAS” Terry boomed snorting more of the powder then passing the bottle to Spud.
“It’s ok Ron, I have a feeling we can trust Terry” Hermione said “He doesn’t mean to shout it is just the way the Scottish communicate, remember what Hagrid told us”.
“Aye Hyman youse can trust in me doll, the juice is the truth and besides if you want to find this stone you gotta follow my plan!”
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